Change for the better

One of the activities in our company for the month of May is the Performance Appraisal.  During this time, the bosses assess each associate’s performances on the first half of the year.  And the rating that we’ll achieve on our PA will somehow affect the mid-year bonus that we’ll be getting the next month.
I could say that it’s has been a disappointing first semester for me. Firstly, my tardiness counter was continuously going up.  I even reached the limit where I’ll be receiving a verbal warning! It was alarming, and I had to remind myself that I should do some adjusting. Go back to my usual routines. And wag ng magpapa-BI, as much as possible. Haha! kidding.
Secondly, my body clock was a disaster.  I’m always sleepy whenever I go to work… and during meetings and trainings, I was crazy sleepy.  Sometimes, I end up not understanding anything about the discussion (note: sometimes).  And there’s no one to blame but me… oh, and also the creators of facebook.
Lastly, I lost my focus on my current project.  Not that I didn’t understand the whole thing.  It’s just that I didn’t get the feeling that I really know this project by heart.  I didn’t feel my connection, my passion in this project.  But I still did my best, I think.
So, when the time arrived that they’re informing me about my PA rating, I knew it.  I expected that it would go down again.  And true enough; it was my lowest PA rating so far.  And it’s all about the “Initiative”.
Aside from the fact that I did a huge blunder in the project that affected some of my co-members, they said that I don’t have that “initiative” thing in me.  As a DE2, they expected a lot from me/us.  Of course, after that level, we’ll be the next officers in the group.  So they really expected a lot, and I disappointed them.  Being initiative is really a big problem of me.  I’m afraid of volunteering because I’m afraid of not doing the task right.  Self-confidence it is.  But I’m only like this when I know that I don’t have the full knowledge about the task.   I can still raise my hand and assign myself on the task when I know that I can perform it well, I think.
My bosses were really alarmed with what’s happening to me.  They asked me what are my problems, and I said the things I wrote up there ^ .  I explained these things, and they accepted it.  I said that I’d go back to my old me on the next months, and do my best on the next projects or tasks.
The only thing that saddens me right now is that I feel that I lost their trusts in me.  It seems like they think that I’m not capable anymore of doing a task quickly’c something like that.  And I really can’t blame them.  I feel the envy with my fellow batch mates who are doing well right now, but I’m turning this envy into inspiration.
I’ll try my best to be at their level, to be more active, to meet their expectations, and to be more focused.  Hopefully… It’s not too late.

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June 2010
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