15
Oct
07

a thorough self-examination…

*sigh*
here we go again.
it’s October and the class is planning an overnight swimming again. Nakasama naman ako last year (in Bulacan), but for this time, I’m not sure..
Actually, it is just the same old situation as last year, pero ayun, nakasama pa rin ako. Wonder if it will be like that this time.
My classmates/barkadas are pushing me to join in the outing.. But i’m really not sure, just  like what i’ve said, because our family is experiencing some financial problems [again]. And i can sense their [my barkada] disappointment about me not going with them..

i just can’t understand it why they feel that way.. well, i do.. and i don’t know how i’ll feel about it. Yeah, i suppose they really want me to be there, I guess i’m that special to them.. maybe.. (hey, i don’t want to assume these things.. if I’m wrong, then fine! – just ignore this then).  I really appreciate it, though sometimes it is too much.. 😦

yeah, it’s really nice, but there are times na parang OA na.. to the point na ipopostpone nila yung gagawin nila just because i’m not with them.. i feel bad about it.. giving me that guilty feeling, making me feel that i’m the cause of their disappointments. It’s like their happiness depends on me. Man, that’s not pretty good at all. That responsibility [making other people happy] is too much for me.

what i want to say is don’t force me too much, don’t make me feel guilty… Maybe i’m making a wrong point about this post, but that’s how i feel.

What i really want is for my friends to be happy, even if their happiness means that i’m not a part of it.. i’m really okay with it, and i hope they’re okay with it too.

(Note: this post doesn’t mean that i won’t join the outing at all.. it all depends on the universe ;P let’s just see what’ll happen.. hopefully..)

——————————-

 

 

Madamot.
Sabi nila madamot daw ako.
sad to say, but i must agree.
there are times na nagiging selfish talaga ako, sa lahat ng bagay, and i just don’t know why. Maybe i feel that i’m too deprived of something.. Marerealize ko na lang na nagdadamot na pala ako after the situation itself..

Minsan naman namimis-interpret ako ng iba. Sometimes they think na nagdadamot ako, but the truth is i’m just concern bout them (confused? don’t ask.. basta ganun yun!).. okay, i’ll say it.. i feel that i’m too infectious (that’s just how i feel), and i just want my loveones, my friends, and other people to be safe.. (so stay away).

i don’t know how i’ll change this attitude. i hope that I will gradually change for better.. i hope.. and i know i can.

 

——————————–

Maybe some of my friends (esp. some “girl” friends) hate me kapag tumatanggi akong samahan sila somewhere.. Tamad kasi akong tao eh.. Kapag gusto kong umupo, uupo lang ako.. Minsan ayoko talagang maglakad kapag tinatamad ako.. And i can sense that they feel bad when i refuse to go with them..

Am i bad?! yeah, maybe.. maybe that’s not what a gentleman should do.. but i just don’t understand it.. i just don’t understand why people, especially girls, wanted to have someone to be with them while walking.. coz me? i can walk alone, i can go some places alone, i can eat alone, i can buy alone.. [maybe im such a loner, don’t you think?]

There is actually a double standard about this issue. if a guy ask a girl to accompany him and the girl refused, that’s okay. But if a girl ask a guy to accompany her and the guy refused, the guy will be tagged as ‘not gentleman’.. twisted ba? but.. i think that is really a double standard.. (everyone has their own free will)

*sigh*.. basta ganun ang pananaw ko.. syempre what if the person is really tired and all that.. you should still respect his/her decision.. again, don’t give the other person that “guilty feeling”.. it’s poisonous..

 

 

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2 Responses to “a thorough self-examination…”


  1. 1 dRu
    December 12, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    don’t feel bad. what’s worse is pressuring yourself (or sometime s your parents) to give you extra allowance just so you can go with your barkada.

    tip: tell them EXACTLY why you can’t come. tell them you have no means of funding yourself and if they really want you in, they can pitch in. if they can’t, then nobody should be blaming anybody.

    stay happy 🙂

  2. December 13, 2007 at 11:38 pm

    thanks bro! yes, i really don’t like the idea of pushing my parents just to give me some money.. coz i know it’s hard for them.. hey! thanks for reading my blog hehe!!!


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